Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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