There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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