k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
