mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
