yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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