You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
