Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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