im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
