The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
