I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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