Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
