I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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