Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
