If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
