First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
