my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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