I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
