I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
