toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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