Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
