Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
