best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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