If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
