I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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