i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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