Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
We left an ass print on the piano.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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