we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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