sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
