I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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