i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
