K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We just shotgunned beers for America
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
