My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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