Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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