He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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