My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
