i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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