Betty ford says i'm here all night
Can Purell be used as lube?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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