Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
