Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
