You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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