I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
