I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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