My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Less talking, more tequila
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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