dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
