wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
