her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
