i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
