if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
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