if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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