Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
