hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
